did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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