please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
