what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
