Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
