Tell her she can't have a vagina
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
