i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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