At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
