I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
