Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
