i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
