Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
