I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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