he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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