Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
