I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
