we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
