i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
