I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
