yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
