i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
