He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
