i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
