my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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