8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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