i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
