My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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