Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
