I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
