There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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