It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
