i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
