just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
