I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
