i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
