i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
