Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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