My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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