Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
