Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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