you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
