I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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