i just made my gag reflex go away.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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