the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
