You're completely useless in the revolution.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
