I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
