community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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