Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
