Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have tasted many bathrooms
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
