her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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