I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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