Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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