how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
