clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
